The importance of masculine bonding & brotherhood

Hello my brothers, this is a topic not highlighted enough in the male self development community. A lot of focus is on what you should do INDIVIDUALLY as a man to level up in terms of your looks, money, status and with women (Game). While focusing on these 4 pillars of masculinity should absolutely be a part of every man's life, HOW you go about it is equally important and that's where many young lost boys fail. So read this essay and reflect on why you lack certain things and feel a void in your life. The answers you find to those questions may surprise you and change your perspective on being a 'sigma male'  once and for all.

What do you mean by male bonding?

There’s nothing that can compare to the bond you share with your best friends. While your girlfriend/wife and family always hold a special place in your heart, your male friends provide perspective and guidance for you as you journey through life.

Men have been tribal animals from the first campfires of civilization. It’s just a part of human nature. We work together, we love together, and we fight together. From the time we were children, we’ve been forming bonds, drawing alliances, and emotionally connecting with men who see the world in the same light. Whether it’s a call for a celebration or the worst day of your life, your brothers are always there for you.

Living your life as a one-man show isn’t just sad it’s scary. Maintaining friendships and talking to your guy friends regularly is key to living a rich and fun filled life. Far too often, men end up alone due to the paranoia of being seen as soft or weak for displaying any kind of vulnerability. This isn’t the case. No matter what you’re into doing, you need friends who like doing the same things you do. Unfortunately, the suicide rate for older men is much higher than any other demographic or age. 

Do you have close friends that you can call? Many men find that their friend circles change and evolve as life wanders along. Childhood friends, once forgotten, can become buddies in the later years of your life. Meeting new people has its share of challenges during the pandemic, but connections can be found virtually these days. If you’ve got an interest in something, you can connect with someone who wants to talk about it online.

Why is male friendship so Important?

Friends help us deal with everyday life’s challenges, guide us through the tough choices when they arise and provide mutual support when we need it the most. Friendship is crucial for our mental health. A recent study showed that spending time one on one–man to man–changes our overall outlook on life for the better.

Having close friends doesn’t guarantee a life free of loneliness. You may think that it would, but we can still get blue when people are around us all of the time. In fact, for the more introverted men, time spent with too many people can actually contribute to a negative emotional state. You could spend all of the time in the world making friends, only to still feel alone on the inside. The best way to combat this is to really take the time to get to know any of your new friendships and make the most out of the ones you’ve had for years. You’ll find that feeling lonely is a part of life, but with the right circle of friends around, you can fight back against the pain of loneliness.

Male Bonding and the lost art of Intentional Brotherhood

Brotherhood used to be built into tribes and nomadic cultures. Lionel Tiger, who literally wrote the book on male bonding, had this to say: “Male bonding is a process with biological roots to the establishment of alliances necessary for group defense and hunting.”

The question, then, becomes, have we lost the integral existence of male groups because our modern lives don’t make them a necessity?

Because of their lack of survival obligation, modern brotherhood is becoming more of a lost art relegated to secret societies and dying traditions. The few remaining forms of these brotherhoods are fraternities, Boy Scouts, and church groups. You might also have boyhood friendships that has lasted through adulthood, or built-in brotherhood through close brothers, uncles, or perhaps your father.

But not everyone is that lucky. So many men are growing up with single mothers with no male influence in the family so there is no concept of "built-in brotherhood" for them.

If we don’t have brotherhood built-in, we must create it.

It’s no wonder why movies like Fight Club and 300 are so popular. They stir within us an unquenched desire to belong to our own tribe of men that we can call brothers.

But can we learn to just deal with surface-level interaction and solitude as men? I don’t think so.

There are three reasons MEN need brotherhoods now more than ever:

1. We need brotherhoods to become BETTER men

Interestingly, men, not women, are the likeliest to form gender-based groups, and have the highest percentage of groups that meet in secret (“secret societies”).

While most of these groups have traditionally had a specific agenda — religious, political, or otherwise — it’s through organized groups that men come together to compete, insult, berate, and grow together.

This is a male-specific form of bonding and growth. Men for thousands of years have come together in intentional groups to sharpen each other in different ways. It’s through challenges from other men that we grow.

2. Bonding with Other Men Is How We Best Learn

David Deida, author of Way of the Superior Man, eloquently states the defining characteristic of the male sex: “Life as a man is like a constant error correction. Making a mistake, and correcting, then making another mistake and correcting.”

This is distinct from the way women interact and bond with each other. Men tend to be more binary: “This is right and that is wrong, and I learn by discovering what is most right.” Whereas women tend to be more intuitive: “This is how I feel, and I’m going to feel out what I want to do next based on everything I’m taking in.”

As men, we need this kind of feedback and guidance from other men to help us error correct, to help us learn what it means to be a man. We’re not good at feeling our way through it. We need to see “correct” behavior in order to find our own most appropriate path.

3. Brotherhoods is the Antidote for Fatherlessness and Depression and helps strengthen the relationship with your girlfriend/wife.

While more women than men attempt suicide overall, men account for 3/4 of all completed suicides. And suicide rates for men overall have been climbing sharply over this past decade; among middle-age men, suicide now accounts for almost 30 out of every 100,000 deaths –3X that of their female peers. Rates of suicide for men in their 50s has increased an astonishing 50%. What accounts for this jump? One of the reasons researchers cite is isolation.

Women are often better at maintaining friendships, seeking out help, and talking about their feelings. Why are men so bad at this? It is because we’re missing the brotherhood and camaraderie that makes us feel safe to express ourselves as men. It is the lack of strong male role models that have left us lost in a world where we don’t know how to be strong, masculine and at the same time be vulnerable.

But Coach B2A, don't you always teach that men must not show their vulnerability? I am confused now.  

Well that is absolutely correct in the context of dealing with women. Women do not want to see weakness in men and that's exactly why you need a strong brotherhood where you can open up about your weaknesses with your strong brothers and instead of them showing sympathy towards you they will provide rational solutions to your problem so you can FIX your weakness and turn it into your strength. 

It is the man who doesn't have any close friends goes seeking the sympathy of a woman and opens up to her. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU OPEN UP TO A FOLLOWER AS A LEADER?

Here's an example for you'll to understand how ridiculous this situation really is - 

Imagine yourself on a battlefield as a soldier and your army general (your leader) begins to panic and starts screaming "Oh my God, we are all fucked and gonna die. I don't know what to do anymore, do you guys have any suggestions?!" How would you feel at that moment? You would lose all respect for him and be disgusted by his cowardness. Now this is exactly how a woman feels when you open up to her and many men without a strong brotherhood end up doing this with their girlfriends and wives which leads to long term disaster. Had they been a part of a strong group of guys, they would take these problems and discuss it there instead of bringing masculine issues home and discussing with their female partner.

In other words, in order to have a strong and healthy relationship with your girlfriend/wife, being a part of a strong brotherhood is very important for a man.

So fellas, if any of you guys are still coping with the whole "sigma male" bullshit, I hope this essay brings a new perspective. You won't get too far in life being a lonely sigma male but if you are a part of a good brotherhood (close group of strong male friends) together you will achieve great glory.

I will end this essay with a beautiful quote from the show - Game of Thrones,

"When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives"

And as always,

Impact, don't impress!🦁

-Coach B2A